Hiking the M.A.S.H. Trail in Malibu

Hiking the M.A.S.H. Trail in Malibu

The first mile was easy and uneventful, but as the trail narrowed, we were ambushed (apparently). Shots rang out and soon the valley was a filled with battle cries and the sounds of gunfire. The river gurgled past uncaringly, ready to receive the gallons of blood that would shortly be spilled (surely). Lisa and I barely escaped. If it wasn’t for the bravery of the stick-wielding Boy Scouts, we would have surely been struck down by the invisible enemies in the hills threatening our lives.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!” one yelled using an oak limb as a gun and firing it into the hills.

“Cha-ching, POW! Cha-ching, POW!” another shouted with a pine-wood shotgun.

We would be forever indebted to these noble and brave non-soldiers.

Soon we were out of the valley. The medic site was ahead, but it too was under attack. Brave, grade-school-aged soldiers were making a last stand on a stationary truck that was nearly rusted into the ground. Again, shots rang out, battle cries, yadda-yadda-yadda. One, strangely, if not heroically, jumped in front of the imaginarily-moving vehicle.

“Suicide! ARGHGHGH!” he yelled convulsing in front of the truck. The battle had beaten him. The horrors can be intolerable. Maybe Hawkeye could still save him.

“Look what I discovered!” his sister yelled. She had “discovered” another vehicle rusting into the ground 8 feet from the other. Suck on that, Columbus. The battle moved to the other vehicle, and it was time for Lisa and I to retreat.

If you plan to hike the M.A.S.H. trail at Malibu Creek State Park, best to pick a day when it’s not overrun by a Boy Scout jamboree. Maybe a weekday perhaps. Also, the fees are terrible, $12 for a day pass. Robbery.