How to Walk in Las Vegas
Visiting Vegas? Print out this handy list of walking rules and study it on the plane ride. There are going to be lots of people competing with you for Vegas sidewalk real estate, and you want to be sure to keep up. With a little effort, you too can walk like a true Vegas visitor. Here are the top ten rules for walking your bad self down the Vegas strip:
1. Stop suddenly. Especially when you sense someone behind you. Just stop walking, real quick-like. Bonus points if you’re stopping to take a photo or gawk at some Vegas oddity or excess.
2. When taking a photo of someone, be sure to pose them as far across the sidewalk as possible. This will ensure that the maximum number of people will be forced to wait for you to finish your photo shoot before moving forward.
3. If in a group, spread out and take up as much of the sidewalk as possible. Proceed to rule 4.
4. Meander. Especially if, as in rule 1, you sense someone behind you. Drive them mad by darting in front of them as they try to pass you, preferably more than once. Why should they get to go first?
5. Ignore traffic signals. What, cars also use this same stretch of pavement? Nonsense. You are more important than cars.
6. Clutch all your valuables as closely as possible, at all times.
7. If you have small children, bring a stroller, then push your terrified infant through the smoldering-cigarette carrying, girl-pimping, beer-drinking crowds ahead of you. Same goes for your grandmother in her wheelchair. This helps to clear a nice, wide path for you. Alternately, if you have small children and you didn’t bring a stroller, let them wander on their own. What doesn’t kill them will only make them stronger. They need to learn about escalators at some point.
8. Speaking of escalators, when you reach the top or bottom of an escalator, be sure to pause to consider your next move before moving aside. Same goes for stairs (you’re a true Vegas superstar if you pose your girlfriend on the top step for a photo).
9. Never apologize or say “excuse me.” It only shows weakness.
10. Bottom line: YOU are the most important of the 1,000,000 other people here. Act like it, already.