Browsing around Ithaca Craigslist for couches, I spotted the “Strictly Platonic” section and was intrigued. We don’t have any old friends still living in the Ithaca area, and I don’t really know how to make friends anymore. Especially without a job (i.e. especially when I rarely leave the house). So, strictly platonic, you say. Why not?
Here’s the first one that caught my eye:
Hi, we are an attractive, adventurous, athletic, intelligent, responsible, very-much-in-love young married couple casually looking for a similar couple to meet for drinks and possibly have sex in same room. No swingers or singles sought, no physical contact wanted, just a fun situation we want to experience together as lovers. We meet for drinks, visit, and maybe say goodbye if not the right fit.
Hmm. Typo or no, you had me up until the sex in the same room part. I was getting really excited, picturing us having you guys over for dinner and eating some tasty food, then chatting for hours over a bunch of wine about our shared interests. I mean, you guys sound really cool. Is there any way we can meet up for drinks or maybe a hike and then not have sex in the same room? Do you already have enough no-sex-in-the-same-room friends? You do? Bummer.
So, onward. Here’s the next ad:
Hi, looking for some new fun friends. NOTHING DIRTY! I wanna play human tug of war but need a few people to play it with! I wanna play so bad, just some good old fun! Refer to the pic as to want i want to play!
OK, I can see how this might be fun…until someone loses an arm. Can we sign a release prior to playing human tug o’war? Also, can you promise me that you’re over the age of 12/under the age of 82 and not a child-abusing murderer? That’s what I thought.
Sigh. I’m getting a little discouraged. Then I find this ad:
So, I’ve had a rough last few days, and things don’t seem to be looking up. I want to go out, have a few drinks, maybe grab some food, then a few more drinks, and just have someone to chat with during the process. Only problem being, all of my good friends are either (a) currently out of town or (b) working. Thus, I’m reaching out via the wide world of crazydom via Craigslist.
A few things of note: I am in a relationship. This isn’t a ploy to find a hookup, or a date, or NSA anything. If thats your goal, go check the random encounters section.
I’m usually pretty lively, witty, and fun, with a sense of humor that more than tiptoes into sarcasm, but like I said, kinda been rough. Thus, don’t expect anything stellar. Oh, and no, I’m not paying for your drinks. At least, not all of them. So if you’re also just looking for a cheap way to get drunk, go away.
So, there you have it. Chance to cheer a girl up, perhaps make a new friend…any takers?
Not so bad. I mean, it could be really fun to hang out with another cheap, miserable, self-deprecating person as we slowly get wasted (on separate checks) and I try (and fail) to make funny jokes. But you only wanted to hang out on Friday…probably last Friday with your luck. I’m looking for more than a single-Friday friend over here.
And so my venture into the Strictly Personal — I mean, Platonic — section ends. It’s just too depressing. Guess we’ll have to keep going to the all-day happy hour bar and being nice to people and smiling a lot.
P.S. If you, dear reader, happen to be one of these three people, or if you live in the Ithaca area and want to hang out (no sex in the same room, though, sorry), then send us a note through the contact form! I mean…we are an attractive, adventurous, athletic, intelligent, responsible, very-much-in-love young married couple casually looking for a similar couple to meet for drinks…