Look, you’re a great state. Everybody knows that. You have three cities that start with the same letter — C — that’s amazing. And it confuses everybody. Cleveland rocks, Cincinnati has chili (with cinnamon, another C!), and Columbus … well Columbus has a Honda campus on the edge of its sprawl. Er, wait. Don’t they all have the chili? Columbus rocks too, right? I can’t keep them straight.
I’m sorry to tell you this. We’re just not going to drive through you for a while. We can’t do it again. It’s time for a change.
Maine: that’s out for now. Thanksgiving? Not sure we’ll be in Wisconsin. Christmas? Who knows! Forecasts suck — they’re always wrong. We’re changing things up. Winter in Florida? Maybe not.
You’re just too damn wide. Some people like that. Lots of people. But it’s not for us. We’ll be back, I’m sure. Maybe. Or we’ll put you on the shit-list with Oklahoma. Whichever. But for now, forget about us. It’s over. I’m sorry it had to end this way. The zig-zag plan is done. We’re not stopping in Cleveland again. Keep your 90-degree interstate corners and your toll roads. We don’t want ’em. But we’ll always remember your cheap gas.