I know you’ve all been patiently awaiting the results of the worst bathroom in the US competition. I’m pleased to announce that, after months of careful analysis, we finally have a winner! The award for the worst bathroom in the entire United States of America* goes to…the toilet in the Sand Flats Recreation Area outside Moab, UT!!!!!!!!!!!
We reached the toilet by phone to ask what its plans are, now that this honor has been bestowed upon its stinking, fly-infested, no door, no roof, hole in the ground self:
Lisa: Toilet, how do you feel this morning?
Toilet: Well Lisa, I admit, I was honored to even be considered for this award. It’s a humbling experience to know that I’ve achieved such a great accomplishment. I know that you’ve seen your fair share of disgusting bathrooms, and I just can’t believe that you’ve chosen me as the worst. I’m still in a bit of a fog, but this is confirmation that I’m heading in the right direction. I’m not ever going to give up. I’ll persevere and continue to make you proud as the worst toilet in this whole beautiful country.
L: Along your quest to become the worst toilet in America, have there been any especially discouraging moments?
T: What hurts most is when people choose to pee on the ground rather than use me. I really admired your technique for the visits that took more than a few seconds. The gas mask you created out of toilet paper was just really creative and ingenious. I wish others would treat me with such respect and humanity.
L: Speaking of humanity, how is it possible that humanity can create such a stench? I’ve never smelled anything like it.
T: I like to think a little of that is of my own doing. You see, out here in the desert, it’s too dry for anything to biodegrade, including human waste. I’ve also refused all sorts of chemicals that are normally used to process human waste in pit toilets. I prefer to be totally natural. What you’re smelling is nature doing its beautiful, beautiful thing.
L: OK, so other than the stench, what else do you feel makes you the worst toilet in America?
T: It’s a rare and wonderful experience to sit on a toilet and be surrounded by the sights and sounds of the desert, from the sun beating relentlessly on your head to the sand that blows into your eyes and into your pants as you try to do your business. It’s a unique, one of a kind experience that can’t be had anywhere else, and I want to continue providing this experience for generations to come. I’ll fight all efforts to close me in.
In addition, I know it’s relaxing to have the security of a locking door, or simply a door, when you’re using me, but I wanted to promote my natural openness. Rather than a door, I decided that I’d just go with a chain that users can stretch across my entrance, featuring a small sign that shouts “OCCUPIED.” Anyone but the most illiterate, drunk, inconsiderate person should be able to read that sign and not just barge in on you. I’m here to bolster your belief in basic human decency, though I don’t get a lot of thanks for that. Or at least I didn’t, until I was blessed with this award.
L: Toilet, any final words?
T: Tell all your friends! And keep it natural!
*Pending further exploration.