Hiking the M.A.S.H. Trail in Malibu
The first mile was easy and uneventful, but as the trail narrowed, we were ambushed (apparently). Shots rang out and soon the valley was a filled with battle cries and the sounds of gunfire. The river gurgled past uncaringly, ready to receive the gallons of blood that would shortly be spilled (surely). Lisa and I barely escaped. If it wasn’t for the bravery of the stick-wielding Boy Scouts, we would have surely been struck down by the invisible enemies in the hills threatening our lives.
“Bang! Bang! Bang!” one yelled using an oak limb as a gun and firing it into the hills.
“Cha-ching, POW! Cha-ching, POW!” another shouted with a pine-wood shotgun.
We would be forever indebted to these noble and brave non-soldiers.
Soon we were out of the valley. The medic site was ahead, but it too was under attack. Brave, grade-school-aged soldiers were making a last stand on a stationary truck that was nearly rusted into the ground. Again, shots rang out, battle cries, yadda-yadda-yadda. One, strangely, if not heroically, jumped in front of the imaginarily-moving vehicle.
“Suicide! ARGHGHGH!” he yelled convulsing in front of the truck. The battle had beaten him. The horrors can be intolerable. Maybe Hawkeye could still save him.
“Look what I discovered!” his sister yelled. She had “discovered” another vehicle rusting into the ground 8 feet from the other. Suck on that, Columbus. The battle moved to the other vehicle, and it was time for Lisa and I to retreat.
If you plan to hike the M.A.S.H. trail at Malibu Creek State Park, best to pick a day when it’s not overrun by a Boy Scout jamboree. Maybe a weekday perhaps. Also, the fees are terrible, $12 for a day pass. Robbery.
- The trail starts out wide and nice and level.
- No dogs allowed. And the locals will bust you.
- Wait, no dogs at all? Surely you don’t mean Mr. Sparkles. He’s very, very well behaved.
- Bikes? Allowed. Just watch out for the pelatons.
- The map they give you is beautiful, glossy, and totally worthless. Follow the signs instead.
- The narrowing of the trail was a sign — we were about to be ambushed.
- Info board number one.
- Info board number two.
- Info board number three.
- Famous, right?
- 4077, bitches.
- This truck was my favorite. There’s no engine or interior.
- Our tiny soldier friends.
- The sky was dramatic … like our narrow escape.
- Iconic landscape? I’m not totally sure, I was a bit young for the show.